Monday, April 29, 2013
I am not alone...
Experiencing loss like this makes you view the world and your relationships with others in a brand new light. I wanted to be close to everyone I knew. I could not get enough hugs and I made sure to tell everyone I loved them. You have a feeling of "living in the moment" and not letting the time go by without telling people you care. You never know what tomorrow will bring. The first week consisted of never ending coffee, never ending food, and good conversation around the dining room table. I didn't hold anything in. I talked... and talked... and talked about my feelings and said whatever was on my mind. I was afraid what would happen if I kept it in. My family, extended family and friends were, and still are, unbelievable in lending a good ear and just letting me talk. Most people have said they don't know what to say...then there are people who can make some pretty inappropriate comments, but I let it slide...there are no perfect words in a time like this and people are only trying to do what they can to comfort you. So, you let them talk...nod...and then say to yourself "What the.....?"
People say "I can't even imagine what you are going through." ...and not many people in my immediate circle did. So once again, God showed me through others that I am not alone. He put people in my life to share their testimony, to help me, without me seeking help or answers. I have to share the way He has shown me love by putting these angels in my life. I want to respect their privacy since this is a public blog, so I won't use any names.
The day that I got the news many of my moms friends piled in with food and endless support. Some of her friends from her Life Group (ladies bible study group) came in with hugs and inspirational words. One in particular said, "You need to talk to someone I know. She went through the same thing a few years ago. She lost her husband suddenly and had two children, an infant and one in elementary school. She is a teacher at Love Grove Elementary. You must meet her. She is thriving and doing well!" She told me her name, and to be honest, in that moment it was all so fresh and that info went in one ear and out the other. I nodded and said thank you. Two days later we were driving to the beach to the funeral home and I get a call on my cell and the caller ID read "Duval County Schools." I thought to myself, uh oh, Rylan isn't handling things well and we are going to have to pick him up. I answered and on the other end was a girl my age and proceeded to say, "Hi, I am coming at you from two directions...one, Dr. Duke (my moms friend) gave me your name, and two, I work at Holiday Hill School. I know Rylan, I work in his class all the time." I was blown away because Dr. Duke said she worked at a totally different school, when in fact she worked at the school that Rylan attends in our neighborhood...and she already knows him!?!!?. She said, "I know what you are going through. I want you to pretend that we have been life long friends and call me, email me or text anytime you need to talk. I am here for you." She gave me every way possible to contact her and was so comforting in the time that I felt so alone. She told me that I was going to be ok and that she is doing fine, but most of all that her kids are ok. Those words meant the world to me at that time. A flicker of hope. She asked my permission to counsel Rylan and she did. He came home saying, "Mom, do you know I have another family? I have a school family." That made me feel so safe sending him to school. She let him know that she is an adult that he can talk to if he ever needs to get away. She also counselled his teachers, which have been lovely. My mom broke the news to the office and they were all in tears. They said they would protect Rylan and keep him in a bubble if necessary. The school staff took up a donation and put it in a card for me. I was shocked! They jumped in and covered us with love and support. This individual has constantly text me and is the inspiration behind this blog. She is an amazing woman and did not HAVE to call me that day, but she has helped me in so many ways!
Another inspirational person is someone that I work with and also lost her husband at a young age. I won't go into details about her loss, but it was also very sudden. I have know her for 5+ years and our work relationship has always been great, but over the last 2 years we have had to work more as a team than before. We make a good team and have fun doing it. I have always admired her strength after the pain she had to endure. The loss was so great and painful, yet she is living a normal life, she is not going crazy (like I thought I might), she is in a healthy loving relationship with a man that is so sweet and she has moved forward. She has given me endless words of encouragement, advice, books, resources, and has been an advocate for me at work. She has been my therapist at times and I am so glad that God put her in my life. She said in some weird way, something positive came out of her husband passing and she is able to help me. She also told me not to label myself as a "widow" and that I do not have to have that title, don't let that define who I am. I am trying to do that and see this as my calling and trust that this is Gods plan for me and to just go with it.
So far I have had the funeral director share her testimony, the two girls that I mentioned above, and several others along the way. This isn't information people volunteer off the get go. Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Mary and I'm a widow. It's amazing the ladies that have come forward to share with me. Rylan's teacher that taught him when he was 2 approached me and said, "I want to let you know I have been praying for you. I lost my husband 7 years ago in a car accident. My daughter was 2 years old. It takes time, but you will get better. I'm remarried and happy." I would have never known. My moms next door neighbor has a housekeeper that she has had for years. I have talked to her off and on over the years and she walked over the other day and said, "I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I lost my husband 12 years ago when my 2 boys were small. They are thriving and doing well and you will, too." She was upbeat as always and once again....a glimmer of hope.
At work the other day a patient that I have known for a few years came in to purchase some products and starts to tell me she lost her husband March 18th. She was back and forth with trying to schedule an appointment and just threw her hands up and said, "I don't even know what I'm doing these days. I don't know if I should schedule this procedure or not." I knew that feeling oh too well and I just listened. I told her not to make any major decisions right now and to call me when she was ready. This whole time I'm thinking...should I tell her I know what she is going through? Or do I stay professional and let her leave in that confused state of mind that I am experiencing myself? Then I thought of all the sweet ladies that opened their hearts to me and instantly I knew what to do. I got out of my chair, walked around my desk and out to the lobby where she stood and gave her a hug. She looked confused and kind of laughed and said, "Oh no, you don't have to give me a hug." I said, "Yes I do, I know exactly what you are going through, I lost my husband last month, don't make any decisions today." We were still hugging and she pulled back and said, "WHAT?!?! You are so young. How? What happened? I can't believe this." We talked back and forth about her husbands illness and what funeral home I used, etc. She just needed to talk and get it out...just like I did. I gave her my cell number and told her to call me anytime to talk. It felt good to comfort someone else for a change. She didn't even purchase anything that day or even schedule an appointment. I think that God sent her to my office that day for a reason. I know he puts people in our lives for a reason. I'm amazed every single day!
~ So once again, I sit here at the laptop for the 3rd time in 2 days ....blabbing about me. Just lovely! This is good for my soul though and I will see this as free therapy :)
You will fill me with joy in your presence.
Psalm 16:11
Sunday, April 28, 2013
The day after....
The Lord turns my darkness into light.
2 Samuel 22:29
The next day brought many difficult decisions. I woke up to tears already flowing. How am I going to get Rylan up and ready for school? That was Jason's job. He helped tremendously around the house and the everyday routine. He would get Rylan up, dress him and take him to school. That Monday after his passing was the hardest. I consider myself strong and independent, yet I needed him at that moment so much. I told myself I WILL NOT go to a dark place, I WILL be positive. No moping around if I could help it. So, I pushed through and as I started the shower to get Rylan up for school, the waterworks began. I cried all the way through the morning routine. I couldn't even drive him to school, my mom had to fill those shoes. At this point, Rylan still thinks his daddy is working in Daytona.
To this day, almost 2 months later, I am still staying with my parents. I had to laugh at a new TV series that was advertised the other night....."How to live with your parents, and never leave" or something like that. This IS my life right now. Fortunately, my parents are my best friends. Jason and I spent at least 3 nights a week here anyway. We ate dinner, hung out with friends and family, watched sports, movies, and most importantly....laughed!! Michael and Jason were a fantastic duo! They would play off each other, bounce jokes back and forth, annoy the mess out of Jessica and I, make fun of my mother, and make my dad laugh to the point where he couldn't breathe. I caught myself one week after he passed when we all gathered around for dinner. My mom uses "chargers" to put our plates on and protect her table. Someone passed out enough for everyone. I counted them and without a second thought I said, "We are missing one" and pulled it out of the hutch and put it on the table. As I sat it down I froze as I realized I added that spot for Jason, which was not needed. I had to excuse myself and shed some tears. These moments happen frequently to this day. I still have urges to call or text him when I have good news or want to tell him something funny.
So day two, Monday, March 4th brought on so many decisions, phone calls, etc. Three of my closest friends arrived at my parents house that morning for support and were willing to do anything we need. Natalie, who has a toddler and works from home and Jessica, who works full time at a demanding job, both gave up their day to be here and just GIVE. Brooke, a lifelong friend of mine was also here ready to do anything we asked. If you know me, it is hard for me to ask for help. I let my wall down for once and threw my arms up and let it happen. These 3 amazing girls at one point sat at my moms kitchen table and created a fund on the YouCaring.com website. This was to help with funeral expenses, bills, etc. This too was out of my comfort zone. I cannot accept this....people donating money?? to me?? They insisted and it was amazing. Jason and I planned on getting life insurance and even met with our State Farm rep to discuss plans, but we were too late. He did not have life insurance. So, here I am left with one income...I'm not complaining, but it scared the crap out of me! How am I going to pay the bills, a mortgage, and all of the above? This fund that was created has given me piece of mind in order for me to process things, work out a budget, and most of all give me TIME. Time to slowly evaluate things at a comfortable pace without making any irrational decisions. I feel so blessed by all of the friends, family,and complete strangers that donated and that have helped in other ways outside of that site. Unfortunately, money is needed to live, but I have realized that money, stuff, materialistic things are unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I have so many gadgets and "things" at my house that I thought I couldn't live without. Little did I know I could survive on 2 Rubbermaid bins of clothes (one for me & one for Rylan), a few pairs of shoes and some make-up all this time. Such an eye opener!
I had to flip my brain into business mode immediately. Next step, calling the funeral home. We all joke that my mother knows everyone...and I mean EVERYONE! She picks up the phone and said, "I know someone...let me call her." I'm thinking, who does she know at a funeral home? A former patient of her practice where she works is the director of the funeral home we used. She was AMAZING from the beginning and still to this day.This was a God thing! My mom had formed a relationship with this woman for 2 years and when we needed someone, she was there. I know God placed her in my moms office for a reason. So, I met with her that next day. She is a sweet, soft spoken woman that welcomed us with open arms. We felt like her only client. Me being so money conscious, I kept asking "How much is this? How much is that?" She continued to say, "Let's not worry about that, it's not an issue." I'm thinking, ummmm....yes it is. She sat down with me and shared with me the most amazing story. She too was a widow at my age with 2 children. What? In this moment when I felt so alone, someone else has been through this? And she is NORMAL?? I listened as she gave me advice on handling things with my little 5 year old. She is happily remarried and continued to show me that I WILL be OK.
Today was the day we had to tell Rylan that his daddy was not coming home. Our pastor suggested that I have a few of the most influential men in his life present so that he knows that there are father figures, or strong men there for him, even though his daddy is not. So, I waited for my dad to return home. He flew out to New Jersey at 6am on March 3rd, the day I got the news. He traveled with layovers and shuttles and I could not even tell my dad the news or reach him. I was devastated. We finally reached him around 2:30pm. He thought of Jason as his own son. My poor father had to take the call while sitting on a shuttle bus with strangers traveling to the hotel. My mom and her friends sat there online trying to find him a flight home ASAP. Nothing was working. So his companies travel agent was able to book him a 4am flight that Monday morning. They picked him up in a limo and he sat alone for the 2 hour drive on the way to the airport...disconnected from all of us, in shock. He said Jason woke him up that morning. His alarm was set for 2:45am to get ready to leave and it never went off. He felt Jason wake him up at 2:47am. Bizarre statement, I know, but the entire trip and travel details were also very odd. He mentioned all of his flight info to Jersey was "13" gate, "13" seat #, etc. He said he was like, "Really God?" Then, his returning flight info was "4 - 26 - A" which Jason's birthday is 4/26 and "A" for Allen. The similarities were a little crazy to us, did not know how to look at it. He FINALLY arrived to Jacksonville and as he walked in the door he embraced me and said "I'm so sad, I'm so sad" and we shared the longest hug and tears that flowed like water.
That afternoon we told Rylan, but before we did, a friend of the family gave me a name and a number of a psychologist. I called her and she said she was expecting my call. She was as sweet as could be and didn't HAVE to talk to me and give up her time....but she did. Without her coaching and tips on what to say and what not to say, I could not have done this. She was amazing. Another gift from God. Who are these complete strangers helping me through as if they have been lifelong friends? Angels or blessings that our Lord can only give. I sat down with Rylan as he came home from school in our living room with Cole (Jason's brother), my dad and my brother. Rylan adores these 3 men more than anything. Other family members remained in the kitchen and listened in. I prayed before I had to break the news and asked for strength and to help me put the perfect words together. God spoke right through me as the words rolled off my tongue effortlessly. I was in shock myself once I finished. How did I just do that? Thank you Lord! Rylan's little eyes filled up with tears and he slowly removed his glasses. He looked so grown up in that moment. One of the things I told him was that God needed strong men like his daddy to fight in his army and protect us...and that is what his daddy is doing now. I told him he went in his sleep and that his body got tired. He is an angel now. Rylan said slowly, "That hurts my feelings and I'm sad." I told him I was sad, too and that I miss his daddy. He said the same thing. He leaned his head in my chest and you could see the wheels turning. He was processing everything. He got up eventually and limply hugged all the men circling us. He is handling things now quite well, I think? Who knows, but he is acting like a normal 5 year old. We talk about his dad daily and he talks to him. He is precious! He asked me who sang a song on the radio the other day and I didn't know. He starts saying, "Dad, hey Dad..." I turned the radio down and asked him what he was doing. He said,"I'm asking daddy who sings it, he'll know.....Oh yeah, it's John _____" Can't remember the last name but I thought, holy cow, he just gave me some random name, I am definitely checking this out when I get home! lol
~ I cannot believe how much healing is involved in putting these words in writing!! I felt so good after the first entry this morning. I couldn't wait for more quiet time to sit down and write more. It's like I'm releasing this hurt inside of me. I have so much to say and I am so glad I decided to do this. There are so many things I do not want to forget. This gives me the opportunity to keep these memories in a place so that I don't forget how loving our God can be...even at the darkest hour.
Look to the Lord and His strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done.
Psalm 105:4-5
2 Samuel 22:29
The next day brought many difficult decisions. I woke up to tears already flowing. How am I going to get Rylan up and ready for school? That was Jason's job. He helped tremendously around the house and the everyday routine. He would get Rylan up, dress him and take him to school. That Monday after his passing was the hardest. I consider myself strong and independent, yet I needed him at that moment so much. I told myself I WILL NOT go to a dark place, I WILL be positive. No moping around if I could help it. So, I pushed through and as I started the shower to get Rylan up for school, the waterworks began. I cried all the way through the morning routine. I couldn't even drive him to school, my mom had to fill those shoes. At this point, Rylan still thinks his daddy is working in Daytona.
To this day, almost 2 months later, I am still staying with my parents. I had to laugh at a new TV series that was advertised the other night....."How to live with your parents, and never leave" or something like that. This IS my life right now. Fortunately, my parents are my best friends. Jason and I spent at least 3 nights a week here anyway. We ate dinner, hung out with friends and family, watched sports, movies, and most importantly....laughed!! Michael and Jason were a fantastic duo! They would play off each other, bounce jokes back and forth, annoy the mess out of Jessica and I, make fun of my mother, and make my dad laugh to the point where he couldn't breathe. I caught myself one week after he passed when we all gathered around for dinner. My mom uses "chargers" to put our plates on and protect her table. Someone passed out enough for everyone. I counted them and without a second thought I said, "We are missing one" and pulled it out of the hutch and put it on the table. As I sat it down I froze as I realized I added that spot for Jason, which was not needed. I had to excuse myself and shed some tears. These moments happen frequently to this day. I still have urges to call or text him when I have good news or want to tell him something funny.
So day two, Monday, March 4th brought on so many decisions, phone calls, etc. Three of my closest friends arrived at my parents house that morning for support and were willing to do anything we need. Natalie, who has a toddler and works from home and Jessica, who works full time at a demanding job, both gave up their day to be here and just GIVE. Brooke, a lifelong friend of mine was also here ready to do anything we asked. If you know me, it is hard for me to ask for help. I let my wall down for once and threw my arms up and let it happen. These 3 amazing girls at one point sat at my moms kitchen table and created a fund on the YouCaring.com website. This was to help with funeral expenses, bills, etc. This too was out of my comfort zone. I cannot accept this....people donating money?? to me?? They insisted and it was amazing. Jason and I planned on getting life insurance and even met with our State Farm rep to discuss plans, but we were too late. He did not have life insurance. So, here I am left with one income...I'm not complaining, but it scared the crap out of me! How am I going to pay the bills, a mortgage, and all of the above? This fund that was created has given me piece of mind in order for me to process things, work out a budget, and most of all give me TIME. Time to slowly evaluate things at a comfortable pace without making any irrational decisions. I feel so blessed by all of the friends, family,and complete strangers that donated and that have helped in other ways outside of that site. Unfortunately, money is needed to live, but I have realized that money, stuff, materialistic things are unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I have so many gadgets and "things" at my house that I thought I couldn't live without. Little did I know I could survive on 2 Rubbermaid bins of clothes (one for me & one for Rylan), a few pairs of shoes and some make-up all this time. Such an eye opener!
I had to flip my brain into business mode immediately. Next step, calling the funeral home. We all joke that my mother knows everyone...and I mean EVERYONE! She picks up the phone and said, "I know someone...let me call her." I'm thinking, who does she know at a funeral home? A former patient of her practice where she works is the director of the funeral home we used. She was AMAZING from the beginning and still to this day.This was a God thing! My mom had formed a relationship with this woman for 2 years and when we needed someone, she was there. I know God placed her in my moms office for a reason. So, I met with her that next day. She is a sweet, soft spoken woman that welcomed us with open arms. We felt like her only client. Me being so money conscious, I kept asking "How much is this? How much is that?" She continued to say, "Let's not worry about that, it's not an issue." I'm thinking, ummmm....yes it is. She sat down with me and shared with me the most amazing story. She too was a widow at my age with 2 children. What? In this moment when I felt so alone, someone else has been through this? And she is NORMAL?? I listened as she gave me advice on handling things with my little 5 year old. She is happily remarried and continued to show me that I WILL be OK.
Today was the day we had to tell Rylan that his daddy was not coming home. Our pastor suggested that I have a few of the most influential men in his life present so that he knows that there are father figures, or strong men there for him, even though his daddy is not. So, I waited for my dad to return home. He flew out to New Jersey at 6am on March 3rd, the day I got the news. He traveled with layovers and shuttles and I could not even tell my dad the news or reach him. I was devastated. We finally reached him around 2:30pm. He thought of Jason as his own son. My poor father had to take the call while sitting on a shuttle bus with strangers traveling to the hotel. My mom and her friends sat there online trying to find him a flight home ASAP. Nothing was working. So his companies travel agent was able to book him a 4am flight that Monday morning. They picked him up in a limo and he sat alone for the 2 hour drive on the way to the airport...disconnected from all of us, in shock. He said Jason woke him up that morning. His alarm was set for 2:45am to get ready to leave and it never went off. He felt Jason wake him up at 2:47am. Bizarre statement, I know, but the entire trip and travel details were also very odd. He mentioned all of his flight info to Jersey was "13" gate, "13" seat #, etc. He said he was like, "Really God?" Then, his returning flight info was "4 - 26 - A" which Jason's birthday is 4/26 and "A" for Allen. The similarities were a little crazy to us, did not know how to look at it. He FINALLY arrived to Jacksonville and as he walked in the door he embraced me and said "I'm so sad, I'm so sad" and we shared the longest hug and tears that flowed like water.
That afternoon we told Rylan, but before we did, a friend of the family gave me a name and a number of a psychologist. I called her and she said she was expecting my call. She was as sweet as could be and didn't HAVE to talk to me and give up her time....but she did. Without her coaching and tips on what to say and what not to say, I could not have done this. She was amazing. Another gift from God. Who are these complete strangers helping me through as if they have been lifelong friends? Angels or blessings that our Lord can only give. I sat down with Rylan as he came home from school in our living room with Cole (Jason's brother), my dad and my brother. Rylan adores these 3 men more than anything. Other family members remained in the kitchen and listened in. I prayed before I had to break the news and asked for strength and to help me put the perfect words together. God spoke right through me as the words rolled off my tongue effortlessly. I was in shock myself once I finished. How did I just do that? Thank you Lord! Rylan's little eyes filled up with tears and he slowly removed his glasses. He looked so grown up in that moment. One of the things I told him was that God needed strong men like his daddy to fight in his army and protect us...and that is what his daddy is doing now. I told him he went in his sleep and that his body got tired. He is an angel now. Rylan said slowly, "That hurts my feelings and I'm sad." I told him I was sad, too and that I miss his daddy. He said the same thing. He leaned his head in my chest and you could see the wheels turning. He was processing everything. He got up eventually and limply hugged all the men circling us. He is handling things now quite well, I think? Who knows, but he is acting like a normal 5 year old. We talk about his dad daily and he talks to him. He is precious! He asked me who sang a song on the radio the other day and I didn't know. He starts saying, "Dad, hey Dad..." I turned the radio down and asked him what he was doing. He said,"I'm asking daddy who sings it, he'll know.....Oh yeah, it's John _____" Can't remember the last name but I thought, holy cow, he just gave me some random name, I am definitely checking this out when I get home! lol
~ I cannot believe how much healing is involved in putting these words in writing!! I felt so good after the first entry this morning. I couldn't wait for more quiet time to sit down and write more. It's like I'm releasing this hurt inside of me. I have so much to say and I am so glad I decided to do this. There are so many things I do not want to forget. This gives me the opportunity to keep these memories in a place so that I don't forget how loving our God can be...even at the darkest hour.
Look to the Lord and His strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done.
Psalm 105:4-5
Where do I begin?
On Sunday, March 3, 2013 I was cleaning my house in preparation for my husband, Jason, to come home from a weekend trip. He was in Daytona Beach for a national car show. Spring Break Nationals is a car show he and I attended every year. This year was special. He was asked to a build a Toyota FJ Cruiser for Sony. He worked weeks or months on this build. He took great pride in all of his projects. He would work at home, making lists and crossing things off. It was countdown to the car show and that is all he could think about. He and I talked about going together and taking our 5 year old, Rylan. The week of the show, his boss informed him they would be sharing a hotel room. This meant Rylan and I were left at home. We went back and forth and I tried to find a way for him to come home and travel back and forth. For some reason, I did not want him to leave me. We barely spoke all weekend, he was tending to the Sony booth and working. We spoke for a split second on Saturday evening around 6pm and he was rushed because his phone was low on battery. He was off to a Sony event. I texted him later that night to let him know I was having a sleepover at my moms house (movie night) and I asked if he was having fun. He replied, "Yeah." Such a man of many words. The next morning I texted him the last text I will ever send to him "R u up?" ....no reply. I thought, he must not have charged his phone...way to be responsible Jason.
I went home that morning eager to have the house clean and smelling like home for him to arrive. I was sorting laundry, Rylan was watching morning cartoons, then a hard loud knock on the door. My first thought, I'm in my pink fuzzy PJ's and I look horrible. Who could be knocking on my door? I peered out the window and saw a police car. My body felt cool, stomach dropped, heart skipped a beat. I opened the door and the officer asked if I was Leah Allen and invited himself in. I welcomed him in and he turned to Rylan and said, "Hey buddy, can you go play in your room?" I knew this was not going to be easy. We walked in to my kitchen. He sat me down and said,"Ma'am, I'm going to need you to call this officer in Daytona." He slid a little scratch piece of paper my way with a name and number on it. I asked him"Can you tell me what this is about?" He hesitated and said "Your husband seems to have passed away." What did he say? No way is this true. He looked so nervous and my body began to tremble as I kept apologizing for my actions and state of shock. He kept saying he was sorry. So, I asked if I could call my mom first. I called her and shared with her what he just told me. She screamed "WHAT??" That is all I can remember from that conversation.
It felt like 15 seconds and my sweet younger brother flew into the room to my rescue. He grabbed me so tight and was my rock at this point in my life where I was frozen and felt as if I was floating. I began to fill with anger. I debated on jumping through my sliding glass door in my kitchen, but quickly realized how inappropriate that would be and how much it would cost if I did so. I fell to my knees and cried out like I have never done before. Sat on the cold tile as Michael stood behind me and embraced me. I about ripped his hands off while I squeezed them in terror. In through the kitchen door came my mom and Aunt Terri and they kneedled down to my level and embraced me. I have no idea how long I sat there. I learned later that Jessica (my sister-in-law) and nephew Jonah, along with my Uncle Don were entertaining Rylan in the other room.
I called the police officer in Daytona at some point during the chaos and he proceeded to tell me that his boss went to wake him this morning and he was not breathing. He had passed away while in his sleep.
We decided to pack up and go to my moms and make calls from there. I changed my clothes and I looked in my room and saw his flip flops and clothes on the floor. I wondered how on earth am I going to get through this. I prayed at that moment for God to help me. I didn't even know what to ask for. I just said, "Oh God, Oh God..." I rambled. I had thoughts that they were going to call me and tell me it was a mistake. Or he suddenly has started breathing. I wanted some unrealistic miracle to happen. It's been almost 2 months since he went home to the Lord, and I still feel like he could come back to me. Any moment, drive up or walk in the door. I started out the door to my moms, I could not drive, but I felt as if God carried me to my car. I don't even know how my legs worked or how I walked. I felt as if I floated through the weeks that followed that day.
Now, one mile down the road I arrived at my parents home. The people started flowing in. I bet we had over 50 people there that day. The love surrounded me and lifted me. Our pastor came over that evening and gave recommendations on how to tell Rylan. We sent him to my Aunt's and with friends that day to shield him from the pain. That day felt like eternity. My best friend, Natalie, stayed the night with me and comforted me in the night as I sobbed. Me on an air matress in the living room and her on the couch with her arm on me until I fell asleep. The other man in my life was missing though, my father. He was out of town for work and I needed him here. He came home the next day and as he walked through the door he embraced me with that hug that only a dad can give. He is my rock. I could move on with the plans now.
I realize now that God's plan didn't want Rylan and I in Daytona this weekend. Nor did he want Jason home with us. I feel sad that I was not there with him. We learned that he suffered a heart attack. Could I have been there to call 911?? What if he had chest pains and his phone was dead and couldn't call? I can't put myself through the "what if's" ...it is too hard. I have accepted this new life I am living and trusting that God has called me to be a widow and a single mother.
~ I am a first time blogger...I feel that if I share my story I will heal and maybe help others heal. This took alot out of me....a few big tears, but it felt good to say this aloud. My next entry will be to share the many blessings that have come my way since the loss of my husband. Stay tuned...
I went home that morning eager to have the house clean and smelling like home for him to arrive. I was sorting laundry, Rylan was watching morning cartoons, then a hard loud knock on the door. My first thought, I'm in my pink fuzzy PJ's and I look horrible. Who could be knocking on my door? I peered out the window and saw a police car. My body felt cool, stomach dropped, heart skipped a beat. I opened the door and the officer asked if I was Leah Allen and invited himself in. I welcomed him in and he turned to Rylan and said, "Hey buddy, can you go play in your room?" I knew this was not going to be easy. We walked in to my kitchen. He sat me down and said,"Ma'am, I'm going to need you to call this officer in Daytona." He slid a little scratch piece of paper my way with a name and number on it. I asked him"Can you tell me what this is about?" He hesitated and said "Your husband seems to have passed away." What did he say? No way is this true. He looked so nervous and my body began to tremble as I kept apologizing for my actions and state of shock. He kept saying he was sorry. So, I asked if I could call my mom first. I called her and shared with her what he just told me. She screamed "WHAT??" That is all I can remember from that conversation.
It felt like 15 seconds and my sweet younger brother flew into the room to my rescue. He grabbed me so tight and was my rock at this point in my life where I was frozen and felt as if I was floating. I began to fill with anger. I debated on jumping through my sliding glass door in my kitchen, but quickly realized how inappropriate that would be and how much it would cost if I did so. I fell to my knees and cried out like I have never done before. Sat on the cold tile as Michael stood behind me and embraced me. I about ripped his hands off while I squeezed them in terror. In through the kitchen door came my mom and Aunt Terri and they kneedled down to my level and embraced me. I have no idea how long I sat there. I learned later that Jessica (my sister-in-law) and nephew Jonah, along with my Uncle Don were entertaining Rylan in the other room.
I called the police officer in Daytona at some point during the chaos and he proceeded to tell me that his boss went to wake him this morning and he was not breathing. He had passed away while in his sleep.
We decided to pack up and go to my moms and make calls from there. I changed my clothes and I looked in my room and saw his flip flops and clothes on the floor. I wondered how on earth am I going to get through this. I prayed at that moment for God to help me. I didn't even know what to ask for. I just said, "Oh God, Oh God..." I rambled. I had thoughts that they were going to call me and tell me it was a mistake. Or he suddenly has started breathing. I wanted some unrealistic miracle to happen. It's been almost 2 months since he went home to the Lord, and I still feel like he could come back to me. Any moment, drive up or walk in the door. I started out the door to my moms, I could not drive, but I felt as if God carried me to my car. I don't even know how my legs worked or how I walked. I felt as if I floated through the weeks that followed that day.
Now, one mile down the road I arrived at my parents home. The people started flowing in. I bet we had over 50 people there that day. The love surrounded me and lifted me. Our pastor came over that evening and gave recommendations on how to tell Rylan. We sent him to my Aunt's and with friends that day to shield him from the pain. That day felt like eternity. My best friend, Natalie, stayed the night with me and comforted me in the night as I sobbed. Me on an air matress in the living room and her on the couch with her arm on me until I fell asleep. The other man in my life was missing though, my father. He was out of town for work and I needed him here. He came home the next day and as he walked through the door he embraced me with that hug that only a dad can give. He is my rock. I could move on with the plans now.
I realize now that God's plan didn't want Rylan and I in Daytona this weekend. Nor did he want Jason home with us. I feel sad that I was not there with him. We learned that he suffered a heart attack. Could I have been there to call 911?? What if he had chest pains and his phone was dead and couldn't call? I can't put myself through the "what if's" ...it is too hard. I have accepted this new life I am living and trusting that God has called me to be a widow and a single mother.
~ I am a first time blogger...I feel that if I share my story I will heal and maybe help others heal. This took alot out of me....a few big tears, but it felt good to say this aloud. My next entry will be to share the many blessings that have come my way since the loss of my husband. Stay tuned...
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