I am not alone...

Experiencing loss like this makes you view the world and your relationships with others in a brand new light. I wanted to be close to everyone I knew.  I could not get enough hugs and I made sure to tell everyone I loved them.  You have a feeling of "living in the moment" and not letting the time go by without telling people you care.  You never know what tomorrow will bring.  The first week consisted of never ending coffee, never ending food, and good conversation around the dining room table. I didn't hold anything in. I talked... and talked... and talked about my feelings and said whatever was on my mind.  I was afraid what would happen if I kept it in.  My family, extended family and friends were, and still are, unbelievable in lending a good ear and just letting me talk. Most people have said they don't know what to say...then there are people who can make some pretty inappropriate comments, but I let it slide...there are no perfect words in a time like this and people are only trying to do what they can to comfort you. So, you let them talk...nod...and then say to yourself "What the.....?" 

People say "I can't even imagine what you are going through." ...and not many people in my immediate circle did.  So once again, God showed me through others that I am not alone.  He put people in my life to share their testimony, to help me, without me seeking help or answers.  I have to share the way He has shown me love by putting these angels in my life.  I want to respect their privacy since this is a public blog, so I won't use any names. 

The day that I got the news many of my moms friends piled in with food and endless support.  Some of her friends from her Life Group (ladies bible study group) came in with hugs and inspirational words.  One in particular said, "You need to talk to someone I know. She went through the same thing a few years ago.  She lost her husband suddenly and had two children, an infant and one in elementary school.  She is a teacher at Love Grove Elementary. You must meet her. She is thriving and doing well!"  She told me her name, and to be honest, in that moment it was all so fresh and that info went in one ear and out the other.  I nodded and said thank you. Two days later we were driving to the beach to the funeral home and I get a call on my cell and the caller ID read "Duval County Schools." I thought to myself, uh oh, Rylan isn't handling things well and we are going to have to pick him up. I answered and on the other end was a girl my age and proceeded to say, "Hi, I am coming at you from two directions...one, Dr. Duke (my moms friend) gave me your name, and two, I work at Holiday Hill School.  I know Rylan, I work in his class all the time."  I was blown away because Dr. Duke said she worked at a totally different school, when in fact she worked at the school that Rylan attends in our neighborhood...and she already knows him!?!!?.  She said, "I know what you are going through.  I want you to pretend that we have been life long friends and call me, email me or text anytime you need to talk. I am here for you."  She gave me every way possible to contact her and was so comforting in the time that I felt so alone.  She told me that I was going to be ok and that she is doing fine, but most of all that her kids are ok.  Those words meant  the world to me at that time.  A flicker of hope. She asked my permission to counsel Rylan and she did.  He came home saying, "Mom, do you know I have another family? I have a school family." That made me feel so safe sending him to school.  She let him know that she is an adult that he can talk to if he ever needs to get away.  She also counselled his teachers, which have been lovely.  My mom broke the news to the office and they were all in tears.  They said they would protect Rylan and keep him in a bubble if necessary. The school staff took up a donation and put it in a card for me. I was shocked! They jumped in and covered us with love and support. This individual has constantly text me and is the inspiration behind this blog.  She is an amazing woman and did not HAVE to call me that day, but she has helped me in so many ways!

Another inspirational person is someone that I work with and also lost her husband at a young age. I won't go into details about her loss, but it was also very sudden.  I have know her for 5+ years and our work relationship has always been great, but over the last 2 years we have had to work more as a team than before.  We make a good team and have fun doing it.  I have always admired her strength after the pain she had to endure.  The loss was so great and painful, yet she is living a normal life, she is not going crazy (like I thought I might), she is in a healthy loving relationship with a man that is so sweet and she has moved forward.  She has given me endless words of encouragement, advice, books, resources, and has been an advocate for me at work.  She has been my therapist at times and I am so glad that God put her in my life.  She said in some weird way, something positive came out of her husband passing and she is able to help me.  She also told me not to label myself as a "widow" and that I do not have to have that title, don't let that define who I am.  I am trying to do that and see this as my calling and trust that this is Gods plan for me and to just go with it.

So far I have had the funeral director share her testimony, the two girls that I mentioned above, and several others along the way.  This isn't information people volunteer off the get go. Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Mary and I'm a widow.  It's amazing the ladies that have come forward to share with me.  Rylan's teacher that taught him when he was 2 approached me and said,  "I want to let you know I have been praying for you. I lost my husband 7 years ago in a car accident. My daughter was 2 years old. It takes time, but you will get better. I'm remarried and happy." I would have never known. My moms next door neighbor has a housekeeper that she has had for years. I have talked to her off and on over the years and she walked over the other day and said, "I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I lost my husband 12 years ago when my 2 boys were small.  They are thriving and doing well and you will, too." She was upbeat as always and once again....a glimmer of hope.

At work the other day a patient that I have known for a few years came in to purchase some products and starts to tell me she lost her husband March 18th. She was back and forth with trying to schedule an appointment and just threw her hands up and said, "I don't even know what I'm doing these days. I don't know if I should schedule this procedure or not." I knew that feeling oh too well and I just listened. I told her not to make any major decisions right now and to call me when she was ready. This whole time I'm thinking...should I tell her I know what she is going through? Or do I stay professional and let her leave in that confused state of mind that I am experiencing myself? Then I thought of all the sweet ladies that opened their hearts to me and instantly I knew what to do.  I got out of my chair, walked around my desk and out to the lobby where she stood and gave her a hug. She looked confused and kind of laughed and said, "Oh no, you don't have to give me a hug." I said, "Yes I do, I know exactly what you are going through, I lost my husband last month, don't make any decisions today." We were still hugging and she pulled back and said, "WHAT?!?! You are so young. How? What happened? I can't believe this." We talked back and forth about her husbands illness and what funeral home I used, etc. She just needed to talk and get it out...just like I did.  I gave her my cell number and told her to call me anytime to talk. It felt good to comfort someone else for a change. She didn't even purchase anything that day or even schedule an appointment.  I think that God sent her to my office that day for a reason.  I know he puts people in our lives for a reason. I'm amazed every single day!

~ So once again, I sit here at the laptop for the 3rd time in 2 days ....blabbing about me. Just lovely! This is good for my soul though and I will see this as free therapy :) 

You will fill me with joy in your presence.
Psalm 16:11