One year later.....and I am still breathing

Today is the one year anniversary of Jason's passing. I just went back and read my previous entries. Who is that strong girl?!?!?!? I was very optimistic at that time and so positive then. Thank God that He was working in me at that time and giving me strength because honestly, it was a blur. I could have tried to do it on my own but He, my family, nor friends would let me. I had my mind set on pushing through with one baby step in front of the other. I have felt so much love today I can't even explain it. I received over 15 text messages before 9:30am today and the calls and messages continued. I realize I am not alone in grieving this man. He touched so many people. The outpour on social media was ridiculous. I am so fortunate to have so many wonderful and loving friends. I am so very blessed!


This last year has been a journey. A journey of firsts, a journey through the "new normal" I call life, tests of faith, tests of friendships....and so on. It has been a whirlwind to say the least. It has been an emotional rollercoaster. Overall, I would have to say that I feel like I am in a good place now. Don't get me wrong, I am still grieving, I have accepted the fact that Jason will never be back. I had these strange thoughts along the way of someone calling me from another state saying, "Big mistake ma'am, we have your husband" and all this was a big misunderstanding. The denial part has passed. There are 5 stages of grief - Denial, Anger, Guilt, Depression and Acceptance. They do not come in any particular order. I believe I have gone through all stages except depression. I had some concerns about the possibility of being depressed. I felt unmotivated at times, tired and sad, beaten down, heavy hearted, etc. I shared this with my therapist and she asked me some questions. She said "There is a difference between depression and bereavement, you are not depressed". That made me feel so much better to hear that. I made the decision a year ago that I will NOT hide under a blanket and hide from reality. I will face this head on in a healthy, productive way. I have remained with that same attitude throughout. I see a therapist monthly, attend grief meetings weekly and I have read so many books on grief and being a new widow I may be an expert myself ;-) I just want to drink up the knowledge and have people to feed me advice.


You don't realize how much time flies until something like this happens. 2013 was a challenge as I faced the "firsts" without Jason for the first time in 12 years.  His birthday and my birthday were first...and I survived. I have my group of "babysitters" aka friends that are on top of me on holidays and events making sure I am ok. These people are AMAZING! I cannot say this enough! My family's annual vacation to Hammock Beach was pretty difficult because Jason loved that place. As weird as it seemed, I felt alone with my family. My brother and his wife were a "couple"  and my mom and dad were a "couple". Both couples had oceanfront rooms with garden tubs and a full bath in their rooms, while Rylan and I were placed in the 3rd room, with two twin beds and no bathroom facing an outside hallway. Right then I realized how different my life is going to be. I am single...wait, I am single? A single mom at that. I began to gravitate towards single friends and reconnect with people I haven't seen in a long time and even make new friends. I am a creature of habit and have always been just fine with my tight knit group of friends. It's not like me to branch out. I also did things alone that I had never done before. I felt empowered a little. I began to detail my own car (woo-hoo)!

 

Life was totally different come summertime. I moved back to my house and I felt brave. I had never lived alone before without some form of roommate. These things made me stronger. I dreaded Thanksgiving and Christmas. I decided to do something different. I hosted Thanksgiving at my house for my immediate family because it was a "safe" place. If I needed to cry or have time for myself I could run away to my room. I watched a few YouTube videos and learned how to smoke a turkey!! I have never operated a grill, but I did it. It was delish!! I made it through the day with no tears. It was perfect. Christmas was great, too.  I had anxiety leading up to all of these things and everything was surprisingly ok.

 

I always knew I could handle myself and deal with this life change, but the thing that tears me apart is my little Rylan. He has done so well and continues to do so. I just worry about his life without his father. He was such a daddy's boy. I am very fortunate to have my brother and father as role models. He sees them on a daily basis and if he doesn't see them, he is calling them or facetiming them. He craves that "boy time". I guess mom gets old after a while lol. He talks about his daddy daily. I hope he carries on some of the memories and doesn't forget. This has to be the hardest thing I struggle with. Jason could not wait to get him in the ocean and teach him to surf. He was also waiting for that day to get him into soccer, the game he loved so much. I gave Rylan the choice this year, T-Ball or Soccer...he chose soccer because that is what his daddy liked. He starts next week and I am sure there will be a few tears shed from my family and his.

I have to say I could not have survived this year without God, my friends, my family, my "work family", my neighbors and complete strangers that reached out to me. As Pastor Russ would say, "Jesus shows up with skin on"....and He showed up over and over showing me the way.  He has been here this year carrying me through, filling that void and cheering me on. I am saddened by the loss, but so blessed to have had 12 wonderful years with Jason. I am so very blessed.


~ Anytime I feel down or tried I play this song and crank it up. Something about it lifts me up and brings me peace ..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m_sWJQm2fs

Refreshed....for now

I'm sitting here tonight just thinking....thinking back to last year.  Jason and I had a rough year.  If something could go wrong, it did. He lost his job, then attempted to branch out and start something on his own. It was ok, but it caused financial struggles.  Finances can put a strain on a marriage, but we worked hard to make sure it didn't get the best of us and our relationship.  It was hard, but we worked at it. We went through several cars last year, at one point sharing a vehicle.  They just kept breaking down and finances were up and down so we were scared to take on any new expenses just in case the money wasn't coming in the way it should.  We also experienced a flood last year which caused us to rip up all of our wood floors in one half of the house.  Jason and I put in new tile ourselves.  The project also could've caused marital problems....here I am thinking, "I can't wait until this is over, I'm gonna hurt this man...No more running to Home Depot...grrrr" and then there is my sweet husband telling me he and I make a great team and we should start a business together. Are you crazy?? I am not confident that I could work with him on a daily basis. I love him and all but I don't think that would ever work out. That just shows how he was, he always wanted us together, as a family.  On top of everything else, one night Jason began to complain of stomach pain. This resulted in a trip to the dreadful ER. After tests and being admitted, we still had to wait on an answer.  He was sent home, consulted a surgeon and a specialist, put on steroids, a prescription for Chron's that was $1,100 per month and he was only able to eat a soft/liquid diet. Finally, weeks later, the decision was made and surgery was scheduled right before Thanksgiving. He had to have a diseased part of his intestines removed.  Rylan was stressed, Jason lost a ton of weight and was stressed, and I just wanted him well.  By mid-December, he was coming around and getting back to normal. We slowly introduced "real foods" and Jason was back.  We were blessed to have an amazing team of physicians on our side.

After last years crazy roller coaster, I was listening to K-Love on the radio. K-Love is a contemporary christian music channel that I enjoyed switching back and forth to, especially when I am having a crummy day. K-Love is also great for that morning drive to work. In January, they had something called the K-Love challenge.  This was a challenge to replace all music with K-Love music for 30 days. They suggested that it will start your day off right, make you think differently and just be an overall positive experience. I told myself right then that I was going to do it. What did I have to lose? We just came off of a crazy year, it was January, time for new beginnings and starting fresh, right?? I did just that, except it continued through the end of February.  I didn't realize until after Jason passed away how much closer I felt to God over the last few months preceding his death. I really feel that in a way this helped me prepare myself for this tragedy. How else could I have made it through without having faith? How do people get through such times without praying for God's help?? He is carrying me through this day by day. Since Jason's been gone I have been at church on a regular basis and every song and every sermon speaks to me. I'm soaking it in and praising Him. This is how I wake up every day.

I feel like the last few months have been crazy busy.  The last week has really been refreshing, wonderful, full of joy and not as many tears.  Last weekend I went to the beach with one of my best friends, Claudette.  We took her 5 month old twin girls, Serena and Ellissa, to the beach for the first time. Rylan spent the day with his grandparents and I had the day to myself. I called Claudette and invited her to walk on the beach with me. It was early morning and I figured we would walk for an hour at the most. We spent the entire day at the beach and didn't want to leave. All of our other plans went down the drain. We talked about her stresses of being a new mom and me adjusting to my "new life" as a single mom and all of the above. We soaked up every bit of that salt air, sand and sunshine. As we walked away we both felt like wet noodles...relaxed and refreshed. I so needed that and so did she.

Friday night I met up for dinner with my brother, his friend and a dear friend from high school. All three kept me in stitches. We laughed so hard my cheeks were sore. Again, I felt refreshed just living in the moment and just enjoying everyone around me.

Yesterday was a great end to a wonderful week. Claudette's twins were baptized. I sat back and just watched how precious they were and how great it was to have all of their friends and family gathered around to celebrate this sweet moment.  They are little miracle babies.  Two doctors told them to abort, but God worked in her and gave life to these little girls. Something Claudette was told she could never have. God spoke to her and told her that she was going to have these babies.  Times like these are little reminders how good He is!

By the way, I spoke about Rylan's surgery in the last entry and he is doing great! It took him a good ten or eleven days to be back to normal, a few hiccups, but he is doing well. I catch him snapping his fingers next to his ears.  He can hear so much better.  So glad that is behind us!

I am a little anxious for the next week or two. My dad has comletely gutted my bedroom in order to make it fresh and new for me.  He is 3/4 of the way through with the flooring.  These are the last touches before I am ready to move back home and try to get back in the swing of things. I am ready to be independent, but on the other hand, I'm a little afraid to be alone. I have never lived alone without a roomate or my husband. I guess I have Rylan and my dog Titan, but that isn't the same. Hoping I will be strong enough for this next hurdle.

~So glad I finally figured out how to add pictures :)

Romans 12:12 Rejoice and exult in hope; be steadfast and patient in suffering and tribulation; be constant in prayer.

Another year older....

Today I am writing because I'm filled with all kinds of emotions. My head is all over the place. Today is my 34th birthday and I am sad that I am not sharing my day with my other half.  Although I share this emotion with him in spirit, his physical body is not here. He is not here to decorate the kitchen for me when I wake up, scrambling around early in the morning while I lay in bed pretending to sleep.  He was so cute and thoughtful on my birthday. He would get a birthday card from him, from the dog and one from Rylan. He never bought me outrageously expensive gifts, but little things he knew I would use or sometimes a favorite candy.  He would call my mom last minute for gift ideas and sneak off to the store with her advice and return with something perfect. It was always the thought that mattered to me. He could show up with anything and I would be happy that he tried.

My friends surprised me with an early birthday dinner out Saturday night. I thought about Jason several times as I sat back and watched all of his friends pitch in and almost take on that male/father role with Rylan in disciplining him, taking him to the bathroom when needed and just goofing off and flipping him over. I smile and have a good time, but on the inside I am still hurting and missing that part of having that man in my life to love his son and do these things. How am I going to be enough?? A mother and a father all at once?? I know women do this all the time...single, divorced or widowed....but this was such a sudden transition and I can't even imagine. Not that I am even ready to remotely move on to another relationship, I can't help but think of what my future may hold.  Will there be someone as good as Jason was to me? Who will want to date someone with a child? Will they be a good loving role model for my son?? Will this person be someone I know or stranger? And how will I bring up the reason why I am no longer married? All of these negative thoughts overwhelm me for only a few minutes at a time and then I snap out of it. I try to switch my thoughts to things that are more positive.  I start thinking about the things I do have, and stop thinking about the man that has vanished from this earth.  I picture him happy, in a relaxed state without hurt or pain and try to imagine how lucky he is to be working for our awesome God.  I recently read "Heaven is for Real," a child's description of his short time in heaven while undergoing surgery.  He lived to tell his story and even though he was a small child when this happened, his story gave me hope. 

I am constantly reading these days. That is all I do. I never had time for it before, but I am enjoying it so much.  People have given me books right and left and I'm slowly chipping away at the stack.  I am reading "To Heaven and Back" now.  I am so intrigued by these people and the similarities in their stories.  I don't know if I'm naive or childlike for thinking this, but I just try to imagine Jason in a place like they are describing. It's just painting me a little picture of the beauty he is experiencing.  I look forward to the day that we are all reunited in heaven.  Before all of this happened I would say I feared death in a way, but knowing how much little time we spend on this earth, I know it's only around the corner and could happen any day.  I would never want to leave my loved ones, but I know I wouldn't want to come back here.  Our pastor spoke of this at Jason's memorial service.  He said if Jason had 5 minutes to spend here and tell everyone where he had been, he would say hello to everyone and say he was sorry, that he misses everyone but he wants to go back. I am so glad Jason made the choice to turn around and know Jesus.  It took him a while to learn how he works in our life and why we have a purpose on this earth.  He was just growing so much in his faith before he passed.  I'm sad I couldn't see him grow more, but I know now where he is...and that gives me peace and puts a smile on my face.

Tomorrow brings a new challenge. Rylan is scheduled for surgery.  He is having tubes put in his ears and having his tonsils and adenoids removed.  His hearing is impaired due to the fluid in his ears.  So, I'm praying that everything goes smoothly and the physicians have wisdom to get him in and out quickly.  I'm afraid to be alone without Jason by my side. My mom and mother in law will be there, but it won't be the same.  Praying for me to have strength.  Strength for me and strength for me to provide for Rylan. I will update his progress soon. I will have a lot of time on my hands at home as he recovers the next week.

~ It's been a week or so since my last entry and that felt good to get it off my chest.  Being alone in this stinks, but I do have amazing support. Day by day....week by week I go.

Isaiah 40:31  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I am not alone...

Experiencing loss like this makes you view the world and your relationships with others in a brand new light. I wanted to be close to everyone I knew.  I could not get enough hugs and I made sure to tell everyone I loved them.  You have a feeling of "living in the moment" and not letting the time go by without telling people you care.  You never know what tomorrow will bring.  The first week consisted of never ending coffee, never ending food, and good conversation around the dining room table. I didn't hold anything in. I talked... and talked... and talked about my feelings and said whatever was on my mind.  I was afraid what would happen if I kept it in.  My family, extended family and friends were, and still are, unbelievable in lending a good ear and just letting me talk. Most people have said they don't know what to say...then there are people who can make some pretty inappropriate comments, but I let it slide...there are no perfect words in a time like this and people are only trying to do what they can to comfort you. So, you let them talk...nod...and then say to yourself "What the.....?" 

People say "I can't even imagine what you are going through." ...and not many people in my immediate circle did.  So once again, God showed me through others that I am not alone.  He put people in my life to share their testimony, to help me, without me seeking help or answers.  I have to share the way He has shown me love by putting these angels in my life.  I want to respect their privacy since this is a public blog, so I won't use any names. 

The day that I got the news many of my moms friends piled in with food and endless support.  Some of her friends from her Life Group (ladies bible study group) came in with hugs and inspirational words.  One in particular said, "You need to talk to someone I know. She went through the same thing a few years ago.  She lost her husband suddenly and had two children, an infant and one in elementary school.  She is a teacher at Love Grove Elementary. You must meet her. She is thriving and doing well!"  She told me her name, and to be honest, in that moment it was all so fresh and that info went in one ear and out the other.  I nodded and said thank you. Two days later we were driving to the beach to the funeral home and I get a call on my cell and the caller ID read "Duval County Schools." I thought to myself, uh oh, Rylan isn't handling things well and we are going to have to pick him up. I answered and on the other end was a girl my age and proceeded to say, "Hi, I am coming at you from two directions...one, Dr. Duke (my moms friend) gave me your name, and two, I work at Holiday Hill School.  I know Rylan, I work in his class all the time."  I was blown away because Dr. Duke said she worked at a totally different school, when in fact she worked at the school that Rylan attends in our neighborhood...and she already knows him!?!!?.  She said, "I know what you are going through.  I want you to pretend that we have been life long friends and call me, email me or text anytime you need to talk. I am here for you."  She gave me every way possible to contact her and was so comforting in the time that I felt so alone.  She told me that I was going to be ok and that she is doing fine, but most of all that her kids are ok.  Those words meant  the world to me at that time.  A flicker of hope. She asked my permission to counsel Rylan and she did.  He came home saying, "Mom, do you know I have another family? I have a school family." That made me feel so safe sending him to school.  She let him know that she is an adult that he can talk to if he ever needs to get away.  She also counselled his teachers, which have been lovely.  My mom broke the news to the office and they were all in tears.  They said they would protect Rylan and keep him in a bubble if necessary. The school staff took up a donation and put it in a card for me. I was shocked! They jumped in and covered us with love and support. This individual has constantly text me and is the inspiration behind this blog.  She is an amazing woman and did not HAVE to call me that day, but she has helped me in so many ways!

Another inspirational person is someone that I work with and also lost her husband at a young age. I won't go into details about her loss, but it was also very sudden.  I have know her for 5+ years and our work relationship has always been great, but over the last 2 years we have had to work more as a team than before.  We make a good team and have fun doing it.  I have always admired her strength after the pain she had to endure.  The loss was so great and painful, yet she is living a normal life, she is not going crazy (like I thought I might), she is in a healthy loving relationship with a man that is so sweet and she has moved forward.  She has given me endless words of encouragement, advice, books, resources, and has been an advocate for me at work.  She has been my therapist at times and I am so glad that God put her in my life.  She said in some weird way, something positive came out of her husband passing and she is able to help me.  She also told me not to label myself as a "widow" and that I do not have to have that title, don't let that define who I am.  I am trying to do that and see this as my calling and trust that this is Gods plan for me and to just go with it.

So far I have had the funeral director share her testimony, the two girls that I mentioned above, and several others along the way.  This isn't information people volunteer off the get go. Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Mary and I'm a widow.  It's amazing the ladies that have come forward to share with me.  Rylan's teacher that taught him when he was 2 approached me and said,  "I want to let you know I have been praying for you. I lost my husband 7 years ago in a car accident. My daughter was 2 years old. It takes time, but you will get better. I'm remarried and happy." I would have never known. My moms next door neighbor has a housekeeper that she has had for years. I have talked to her off and on over the years and she walked over the other day and said, "I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I lost my husband 12 years ago when my 2 boys were small.  They are thriving and doing well and you will, too." She was upbeat as always and once again....a glimmer of hope.

At work the other day a patient that I have known for a few years came in to purchase some products and starts to tell me she lost her husband March 18th. She was back and forth with trying to schedule an appointment and just threw her hands up and said, "I don't even know what I'm doing these days. I don't know if I should schedule this procedure or not." I knew that feeling oh too well and I just listened. I told her not to make any major decisions right now and to call me when she was ready. This whole time I'm thinking...should I tell her I know what she is going through? Or do I stay professional and let her leave in that confused state of mind that I am experiencing myself? Then I thought of all the sweet ladies that opened their hearts to me and instantly I knew what to do.  I got out of my chair, walked around my desk and out to the lobby where she stood and gave her a hug. She looked confused and kind of laughed and said, "Oh no, you don't have to give me a hug." I said, "Yes I do, I know exactly what you are going through, I lost my husband last month, don't make any decisions today." We were still hugging and she pulled back and said, "WHAT?!?! You are so young. How? What happened? I can't believe this." We talked back and forth about her husbands illness and what funeral home I used, etc. She just needed to talk and get it out...just like I did.  I gave her my cell number and told her to call me anytime to talk. It felt good to comfort someone else for a change. She didn't even purchase anything that day or even schedule an appointment.  I think that God sent her to my office that day for a reason.  I know he puts people in our lives for a reason. I'm amazed every single day!

~ So once again, I sit here at the laptop for the 3rd time in 2 days ....blabbing about me. Just lovely! This is good for my soul though and I will see this as free therapy :) 

You will fill me with joy in your presence.
Psalm 16:11

The day after....

The Lord turns my darkness into light.
2 Samuel 22:29


The next day brought many difficult decisions.  I woke up to tears already flowing. How am I going to get Rylan up and ready for school? That was Jason's job. He helped tremendously around the house and the everyday routine. He would get Rylan up, dress him and take him to school. That Monday after his passing was the hardest. I consider myself strong and independent, yet I needed him at that moment so much.  I told myself I WILL NOT go to a dark place, I WILL be positive. No moping around if I could help it. So, I pushed through and as I started the shower to get Rylan up for school, the waterworks began. I cried all the way through the morning routine. I couldn't even drive him to school, my mom had to fill those shoes. At this point, Rylan still thinks his daddy is working in Daytona.

To this day, almost 2 months later, I am still staying with my parents. I had to laugh at a new TV series that was advertised the other night....."How to live with your parents, and never leave" or something like that. This IS my life right now. Fortunately, my parents are my best friends. Jason and I spent at least 3 nights a week here anyway.  We ate dinner, hung out with friends and family, watched sports, movies, and most importantly....laughed!! Michael and Jason were a fantastic duo! They would play off each other, bounce jokes back and forth, annoy the mess out of Jessica and I, make fun of my mother, and make my dad laugh to the point where he couldn't breathe.  I caught myself one week after he passed when we all gathered around for dinner. My mom uses "chargers" to put our plates on and protect her table. Someone passed out enough for everyone. I counted them and without a second thought I said, "We are missing one" and pulled it out of the hutch and put it on the table. As I sat it down I froze as I realized I added that spot for Jason, which was not needed. I had to excuse myself and shed some tears.  These moments happen frequently to this day.  I still have urges to call or text him when I have good news or want to tell him something funny.

So day two, Monday, March 4th brought on so many decisions, phone calls, etc. Three of my closest friends arrived at my parents house that morning for support and were willing to do anything we need.  Natalie, who has a toddler and works from home and Jessica, who works full time at a demanding job, both gave up their day to be here and just GIVE. Brooke, a lifelong friend of mine was also here ready to do anything we asked.  If you know me, it is hard for me to ask for help.  I let my wall down for once and threw my arms up and let it happen. These 3 amazing girls at one point sat at my moms kitchen table and created a fund on the YouCaring.com website.  This was to help with funeral expenses, bills, etc.  This too was out of my comfort zone.  I cannot accept this....people donating money?? to me?? They insisted and it was amazing.  Jason and I planned on getting life insurance and even met with our State Farm rep to discuss plans, but we were too late.  He did not have life insurance.  So, here I am left with one income...I'm not complaining, but it scared the crap out of me! How am I going to pay the bills, a mortgage, and all of the above?  This fund that was created has given me piece of mind in order for me to process things, work out a budget, and most of all give me TIME. Time to slowly evaluate things at a comfortable pace without making any irrational decisions.  I feel so blessed by all of the friends, family,and complete strangers that donated and that have helped in other ways outside of that site. Unfortunately, money is needed to live, but I have realized that money, stuff, materialistic things are unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I have so many gadgets and "things" at my house that I thought I couldn't live without. Little did I know I could survive on 2 Rubbermaid bins of clothes (one for me & one for Rylan), a few pairs of shoes and some make-up all this time. Such an eye opener!

I had to flip my brain into business mode immediately.  Next step, calling the funeral home.  We all joke that my mother knows everyone...and I mean EVERYONE!  She picks up the phone and said, "I know someone...let me call her." I'm thinking, who does she know at a funeral home? A former patient of her practice where she works is the director of the funeral home we used. She was AMAZING from the beginning and still to this day.This was a God thing! My mom had formed a relationship with this woman for 2 years and when we needed someone, she was there. I know God placed her in my moms office for a reason.  So, I met with her that next day.  She is a sweet, soft spoken woman that welcomed us with open arms.  We felt like her only client. Me being so money conscious, I kept asking "How much is this? How much is that?" She continued to say, "Let's not worry about that, it's not an issue." I'm thinking, ummmm....yes it is.  She sat down with me and shared with me the most amazing story.  She too was a widow at my age with 2 children. What? In this moment when I felt so alone, someone else has been through this? And she is NORMAL?? I listened as she gave me advice on handling things with my little 5 year old.  She is happily remarried and continued to show me that I WILL be OK.

Today was the day we had to tell Rylan that his daddy was not coming home.  Our pastor suggested that I have a few of the most influential men in his life present so that he knows that there are father figures, or strong men there for him, even though his daddy is not.  So, I waited for my dad to return home.  He flew out to New Jersey at 6am on March 3rd, the day I got the news.  He traveled with layovers and shuttles and I could not even tell my dad the news or reach him.  I was devastated. We finally reached him around 2:30pm.  He thought of Jason as his own son.  My poor father had to take the call while sitting on a shuttle bus with strangers traveling to the hotel.  My mom and her friends sat there online trying to find him a flight home ASAP.  Nothing was working.  So his companies travel agent was able to book him a 4am flight that Monday morning.  They picked him up in a limo and he sat alone for the 2 hour drive on the way to the airport...disconnected from all of us, in shock.  He said Jason woke him up that morning.  His alarm was set for 2:45am to get ready to leave and it never went off. He felt Jason wake him up at 2:47am.  Bizarre statement, I know, but the entire trip and travel details were also very odd.  He mentioned all of his flight info to Jersey was "13" gate, "13" seat #, etc. He said he was like, "Really God?" Then, his returning flight info was "4 - 26 - A" which Jason's birthday is 4/26 and "A" for Allen.  The similarities were a little crazy to us, did not know how to look at it. He FINALLY arrived to Jacksonville and as he walked in the door he embraced me and said "I'm so sad, I'm so sad" and we shared the longest hug and tears that flowed like water. 

That afternoon we told Rylan, but before we did, a friend of the family gave me a name and a number of a psychologist.  I called her and she said she was expecting my call. She was as sweet as could be and didn't HAVE to talk to me and give up her time....but she did.  Without her coaching and tips on what to say and what not to say, I could not have done this.  She was amazing.  Another gift from God. Who are these complete strangers helping me through as if they have been lifelong friends? Angels or blessings that our Lord can only give.  I sat down with Rylan as he came home from school in our living room with Cole (Jason's brother), my dad and my brother.  Rylan adores these 3 men more than anything.  Other family members remained in the kitchen and listened in.  I prayed before I had to break the news and asked for strength and to help me put the perfect words together.  God spoke right through me as the words rolled off my tongue effortlessly.  I was in shock myself once I finished. How did I just do that? Thank you Lord!  Rylan's little eyes filled up with tears and he slowly removed his glasses.  He looked so grown up in that moment. One of the things I told him was that God needed strong men like his daddy to fight in his army and protect us...and that is what his daddy is doing now.  I told him he went in his sleep and that his body got tired.  He is an angel now.  Rylan said slowly, "That hurts my feelings and I'm sad." I told him I was sad, too and that I miss his daddy.  He said the same thing.  He leaned his head in my chest and you could see the wheels turning. He was processing everything.  He got up eventually and limply hugged all the men circling us. He is handling things now quite well, I think? Who knows, but he is acting like a normal 5 year old. We talk about his dad daily and he talks to him.  He is precious! He asked me who sang a song on the radio the other day and I didn't know.  He starts saying, "Dad, hey Dad..." I turned the radio down and asked him what he was doing.  He said,"I'm asking daddy who sings it, he'll know.....Oh yeah, it's John _____" Can't remember the last name but I thought, holy cow, he just gave me some random name, I am definitely checking this out when I get home! lol

~ I cannot believe how much healing is involved in putting these words in writing!! I felt so good after the first entry this morning. I couldn't wait for more quiet time to sit down and write more.  It's like I'm releasing this hurt inside of me. I have so much to say and I am so glad I decided to do this.  There are so many things I do not want to forget. This gives me the opportunity to keep these memories in a place so that I don't forget how loving our God can be...even at the darkest hour.

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done.
Psalm 105:4-5

Where do I begin?

On Sunday, March 3, 2013 I was cleaning my house in preparation for my husband, Jason, to come home from a weekend trip. He was in Daytona Beach for a national car show. Spring Break Nationals is a car show he and I attended every year.  This year was special.  He was asked to a build a Toyota FJ Cruiser for Sony. He worked weeks or months on this build. He took great pride in all of his projects.  He would work at home, making lists and crossing things off. It was countdown to the car show and that is all he could think about. He and I talked about going together and taking our 5 year old, Rylan. The week of the show, his boss informed him they would be sharing a hotel room.  This meant Rylan and I were left at home. We went back and forth and I tried to find a way for him to come home and travel back and forth. For some reason, I did not want him to leave me.  We barely spoke all weekend, he was tending to the Sony booth and working.  We spoke for a split second on Saturday evening around 6pm and he was rushed because his phone was low on battery. He was off to a Sony event. I texted him later that night to let him know I was having a sleepover at my moms house (movie night) and I asked if he was having fun. He replied, "Yeah." Such a man of many words. The next morning I texted him the last text I will ever send to him "R u up?" ....no reply. I thought, he must not have charged his phone...way to be responsible Jason. 

I went home that morning eager to have the house clean and smelling like home for him to arrive.  I was sorting laundry, Rylan was watching morning cartoons, then a hard loud knock on the door.  My first thought, I'm in my pink fuzzy PJ's and I look horrible. Who could be knocking on my door? I peered out the window and saw a police car. My body felt cool, stomach dropped, heart skipped a beat. I opened the door and the officer asked if I was Leah Allen and invited himself in. I welcomed him in and he turned to Rylan and said, "Hey buddy, can you go play in your room?" I knew this was not going to be easy. We walked in to my kitchen. He sat me down and said,"Ma'am, I'm going to need you to call this officer in Daytona." He slid a little scratch piece of paper my way with a name and number on it. I asked him"Can you tell me what this is about?" He hesitated and said "Your husband seems to have passed away." What did he say? No way is this true. He looked so nervous and my body began to tremble as I kept apologizing for my actions and state of shock. He kept saying he was sorry. So, I asked if I could call my mom first. I called her and shared with her what he just told me. She screamed "WHAT??" That is all I can remember from that conversation.

It felt like 15 seconds and my sweet younger brother flew into the room to my rescue. He grabbed me so tight and was my rock at this point in my life where I was frozen and felt as if I was floating. I began to fill with anger. I debated on jumping through my sliding glass door in my kitchen, but quickly realized how inappropriate that would be and how much it would cost if I did so. I fell to my knees and cried out like I have never done before. Sat on the cold tile as Michael stood behind me and embraced me. I about ripped his hands off while I squeezed them in terror. In through the kitchen door came my mom and Aunt Terri and they kneedled down to my level and embraced me.  I have no idea how long I sat there. I learned later that Jessica (my sister-in-law) and nephew Jonah, along with my Uncle Don were entertaining Rylan in the other room. 

I called the police officer in Daytona at some point during the chaos and he proceeded to tell me that his boss went to wake him this morning and he was not breathing. He had passed away while in his sleep. 

We decided to pack up and go to my moms and make calls from there.  I changed my clothes and I looked in my room and saw his flip flops and clothes on the floor. I wondered how on earth am I going to get through this. I prayed at that moment for God to help me. I didn't even know what to ask for. I just said, "Oh God, Oh God..." I rambled.  I had thoughts that they were going to call me and tell me it was a mistake. Or he suddenly has started breathing. I wanted some unrealistic miracle to happen. It's been almost 2 months since he went home to the Lord, and I still feel like he could come back to me. Any moment, drive up or walk in the door. I started out the door to my moms, I could not drive, but I felt as if God carried me to my car. I don't even know how my legs worked or how I walked. I felt as if I floated through the weeks that followed that day. 

Now, one mile down the road I arrived at my parents home. The people started flowing in. I bet we had over 50 people there that day. The love surrounded me and lifted me. Our pastor came over that evening and gave recommendations on how to tell Rylan. We sent him to my Aunt's and with friends that day to shield him from the pain. That day felt like eternity.  My best friend, Natalie, stayed the night with me and comforted me in the night as I sobbed. Me on an air matress in the living room and her on the couch with her arm on me until I fell asleep.  The other man in my life was missing though, my father. He was out of town for work and I needed him here.  He came home the next day and as he walked through the door he embraced me with that hug that only a dad can give. He is my rock. I could move on with the plans now. 

I realize now that God's plan didn't want Rylan and I in Daytona this weekend. Nor did he want Jason home with us. I feel sad that I was not there with him. We learned that he suffered a heart attack. Could I have been there to call 911?? What if he had chest pains and his phone was dead and couldn't call? I can't put myself through the "what if's" ...it is too hard.  I have accepted this new life I am living and trusting that God has called me to be a widow and a single mother.

~ I am a first time blogger...I feel that if I share my story I will heal and maybe help others heal. This took alot out of me....a few big tears, but it felt good to say this aloud. My next entry will be to share the many blessings that have come my way since the loss of my husband. Stay tuned...