Today I am writing because I'm filled with all kinds of emotions. My head is all over the place. Today is my 34th birthday and I am sad that I am not sharing my day with my other half. Although I share this emotion with him in spirit, his physical body is not here. He is not here to decorate the kitchen for me when I wake up, scrambling around early in the morning while I lay in bed pretending to sleep. He was so cute and thoughtful on my birthday. He would get a birthday card from him, from the dog and one from Rylan. He never bought me outrageously expensive gifts, but little things he knew I would use or sometimes a favorite candy. He would call my mom last minute for gift ideas and sneak off to the store with her advice and return with something perfect. It was always the thought that mattered to me. He could show up with anything and I would be happy that he tried.
My friends surprised me with an early birthday dinner out Saturday night. I thought about Jason several times as I sat back and watched all of his friends pitch in and almost take on that male/father role with Rylan in disciplining him, taking him to the bathroom when needed and just goofing off and flipping him over. I smile and have a good time, but on the inside I am still hurting and missing that part of having that man in my life to love his son and do these things. How am I going to be enough?? A mother and a father all at once?? I know women do this all the time...single, divorced or widowed....but this was such a sudden transition and I can't even imagine. Not that I am even ready to remotely move on to another relationship, I can't help but think of what my future may hold. Will there be someone as good as Jason was to me? Who will want to date someone with a child? Will they be a good loving role model for my son?? Will this person be someone I know or stranger? And how will I bring up the reason why I am no longer married? All of these negative thoughts overwhelm me for only a few minutes at a time and then I snap out of it. I try to switch my thoughts to things that are more positive. I start thinking about the things I do have, and stop thinking about the man that has vanished from this earth. I picture him happy, in a relaxed state without hurt or pain and try to imagine how lucky he is to be working for our awesome God. I recently read "Heaven is for Real," a child's description of his short time in heaven while undergoing surgery. He lived to tell his story and even though he was a small child when this happened, his story gave me hope.
I am constantly reading these days. That is all I do. I never had time for it before, but I am enjoying it so much. People have given me books right and left and I'm slowly chipping away at the stack. I am reading "To Heaven and Back" now. I am so intrigued by these people and the similarities in their stories. I don't know if I'm naive or childlike for thinking this, but I just try to imagine Jason in a place like they are describing. It's just painting me a little picture of the beauty he is experiencing. I look forward to the day that we are all reunited in heaven. Before all of this happened I would say I feared death in a way, but knowing how much little time we spend on this earth, I know it's only around the corner and could happen any day. I would never want to leave my loved ones, but I know I wouldn't want to come back here. Our pastor spoke of this at Jason's memorial service. He said if Jason had 5 minutes to spend here and tell everyone where he had been, he would say hello to everyone and say he was sorry, that he misses everyone but he wants to go back. I am so glad Jason made the choice to turn around and know Jesus. It took him a while to learn how he works in our life and why we have a purpose on this earth. He was just growing so much in his faith before he passed. I'm sad I couldn't see him grow more, but I know now where he is...and that gives me peace and puts a smile on my face.
Tomorrow brings a new challenge. Rylan is scheduled for surgery. He is having tubes put in his ears and having his tonsils and adenoids removed. His hearing is impaired due to the fluid in his ears. So, I'm praying that everything goes smoothly and the physicians have wisdom to get him in and out quickly. I'm afraid to be alone without Jason by my side. My mom and mother in law will be there, but it won't be the same. Praying for me to have strength. Strength for me and strength for me to provide for Rylan. I will update his progress soon. I will have a lot of time on my hands at home as he recovers the next week.
~ It's been a week or so since my last entry and that felt good to get it off my chest. Being alone in this stinks, but I do have amazing support. Day by day....week by week I go.
Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
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