Where do I begin?

On Sunday, March 3, 2013 I was cleaning my house in preparation for my husband, Jason, to come home from a weekend trip. He was in Daytona Beach for a national car show. Spring Break Nationals is a car show he and I attended every year.  This year was special.  He was asked to a build a Toyota FJ Cruiser for Sony. He worked weeks or months on this build. He took great pride in all of his projects.  He would work at home, making lists and crossing things off. It was countdown to the car show and that is all he could think about. He and I talked about going together and taking our 5 year old, Rylan. The week of the show, his boss informed him they would be sharing a hotel room.  This meant Rylan and I were left at home. We went back and forth and I tried to find a way for him to come home and travel back and forth. For some reason, I did not want him to leave me.  We barely spoke all weekend, he was tending to the Sony booth and working.  We spoke for a split second on Saturday evening around 6pm and he was rushed because his phone was low on battery. He was off to a Sony event. I texted him later that night to let him know I was having a sleepover at my moms house (movie night) and I asked if he was having fun. He replied, "Yeah." Such a man of many words. The next morning I texted him the last text I will ever send to him "R u up?" ....no reply. I thought, he must not have charged his phone...way to be responsible Jason. 

I went home that morning eager to have the house clean and smelling like home for him to arrive.  I was sorting laundry, Rylan was watching morning cartoons, then a hard loud knock on the door.  My first thought, I'm in my pink fuzzy PJ's and I look horrible. Who could be knocking on my door? I peered out the window and saw a police car. My body felt cool, stomach dropped, heart skipped a beat. I opened the door and the officer asked if I was Leah Allen and invited himself in. I welcomed him in and he turned to Rylan and said, "Hey buddy, can you go play in your room?" I knew this was not going to be easy. We walked in to my kitchen. He sat me down and said,"Ma'am, I'm going to need you to call this officer in Daytona." He slid a little scratch piece of paper my way with a name and number on it. I asked him"Can you tell me what this is about?" He hesitated and said "Your husband seems to have passed away." What did he say? No way is this true. He looked so nervous and my body began to tremble as I kept apologizing for my actions and state of shock. He kept saying he was sorry. So, I asked if I could call my mom first. I called her and shared with her what he just told me. She screamed "WHAT??" That is all I can remember from that conversation.

It felt like 15 seconds and my sweet younger brother flew into the room to my rescue. He grabbed me so tight and was my rock at this point in my life where I was frozen and felt as if I was floating. I began to fill with anger. I debated on jumping through my sliding glass door in my kitchen, but quickly realized how inappropriate that would be and how much it would cost if I did so. I fell to my knees and cried out like I have never done before. Sat on the cold tile as Michael stood behind me and embraced me. I about ripped his hands off while I squeezed them in terror. In through the kitchen door came my mom and Aunt Terri and they kneedled down to my level and embraced me.  I have no idea how long I sat there. I learned later that Jessica (my sister-in-law) and nephew Jonah, along with my Uncle Don were entertaining Rylan in the other room. 

I called the police officer in Daytona at some point during the chaos and he proceeded to tell me that his boss went to wake him this morning and he was not breathing. He had passed away while in his sleep. 

We decided to pack up and go to my moms and make calls from there.  I changed my clothes and I looked in my room and saw his flip flops and clothes on the floor. I wondered how on earth am I going to get through this. I prayed at that moment for God to help me. I didn't even know what to ask for. I just said, "Oh God, Oh God..." I rambled.  I had thoughts that they were going to call me and tell me it was a mistake. Or he suddenly has started breathing. I wanted some unrealistic miracle to happen. It's been almost 2 months since he went home to the Lord, and I still feel like he could come back to me. Any moment, drive up or walk in the door. I started out the door to my moms, I could not drive, but I felt as if God carried me to my car. I don't even know how my legs worked or how I walked. I felt as if I floated through the weeks that followed that day. 

Now, one mile down the road I arrived at my parents home. The people started flowing in. I bet we had over 50 people there that day. The love surrounded me and lifted me. Our pastor came over that evening and gave recommendations on how to tell Rylan. We sent him to my Aunt's and with friends that day to shield him from the pain. That day felt like eternity.  My best friend, Natalie, stayed the night with me and comforted me in the night as I sobbed. Me on an air matress in the living room and her on the couch with her arm on me until I fell asleep.  The other man in my life was missing though, my father. He was out of town for work and I needed him here.  He came home the next day and as he walked through the door he embraced me with that hug that only a dad can give. He is my rock. I could move on with the plans now. 

I realize now that God's plan didn't want Rylan and I in Daytona this weekend. Nor did he want Jason home with us. I feel sad that I was not there with him. We learned that he suffered a heart attack. Could I have been there to call 911?? What if he had chest pains and his phone was dead and couldn't call? I can't put myself through the "what if's" ...it is too hard.  I have accepted this new life I am living and trusting that God has called me to be a widow and a single mother.

~ I am a first time blogger...I feel that if I share my story I will heal and maybe help others heal. This took alot out of me....a few big tears, but it felt good to say this aloud. My next entry will be to share the many blessings that have come my way since the loss of my husband. Stay tuned...