Refreshed....for now

I'm sitting here tonight just thinking....thinking back to last year.  Jason and I had a rough year.  If something could go wrong, it did. He lost his job, then attempted to branch out and start something on his own. It was ok, but it caused financial struggles.  Finances can put a strain on a marriage, but we worked hard to make sure it didn't get the best of us and our relationship.  It was hard, but we worked at it. We went through several cars last year, at one point sharing a vehicle.  They just kept breaking down and finances were up and down so we were scared to take on any new expenses just in case the money wasn't coming in the way it should.  We also experienced a flood last year which caused us to rip up all of our wood floors in one half of the house.  Jason and I put in new tile ourselves.  The project also could've caused marital problems....here I am thinking, "I can't wait until this is over, I'm gonna hurt this man...No more running to Home Depot...grrrr" and then there is my sweet husband telling me he and I make a great team and we should start a business together. Are you crazy?? I am not confident that I could work with him on a daily basis. I love him and all but I don't think that would ever work out. That just shows how he was, he always wanted us together, as a family.  On top of everything else, one night Jason began to complain of stomach pain. This resulted in a trip to the dreadful ER. After tests and being admitted, we still had to wait on an answer.  He was sent home, consulted a surgeon and a specialist, put on steroids, a prescription for Chron's that was $1,100 per month and he was only able to eat a soft/liquid diet. Finally, weeks later, the decision was made and surgery was scheduled right before Thanksgiving. He had to have a diseased part of his intestines removed.  Rylan was stressed, Jason lost a ton of weight and was stressed, and I just wanted him well.  By mid-December, he was coming around and getting back to normal. We slowly introduced "real foods" and Jason was back.  We were blessed to have an amazing team of physicians on our side.

After last years crazy roller coaster, I was listening to K-Love on the radio. K-Love is a contemporary christian music channel that I enjoyed switching back and forth to, especially when I am having a crummy day. K-Love is also great for that morning drive to work. In January, they had something called the K-Love challenge.  This was a challenge to replace all music with K-Love music for 30 days. They suggested that it will start your day off right, make you think differently and just be an overall positive experience. I told myself right then that I was going to do it. What did I have to lose? We just came off of a crazy year, it was January, time for new beginnings and starting fresh, right?? I did just that, except it continued through the end of February.  I didn't realize until after Jason passed away how much closer I felt to God over the last few months preceding his death. I really feel that in a way this helped me prepare myself for this tragedy. How else could I have made it through without having faith? How do people get through such times without praying for God's help?? He is carrying me through this day by day. Since Jason's been gone I have been at church on a regular basis and every song and every sermon speaks to me. I'm soaking it in and praising Him. This is how I wake up every day.

I feel like the last few months have been crazy busy.  The last week has really been refreshing, wonderful, full of joy and not as many tears.  Last weekend I went to the beach with one of my best friends, Claudette.  We took her 5 month old twin girls, Serena and Ellissa, to the beach for the first time. Rylan spent the day with his grandparents and I had the day to myself. I called Claudette and invited her to walk on the beach with me. It was early morning and I figured we would walk for an hour at the most. We spent the entire day at the beach and didn't want to leave. All of our other plans went down the drain. We talked about her stresses of being a new mom and me adjusting to my "new life" as a single mom and all of the above. We soaked up every bit of that salt air, sand and sunshine. As we walked away we both felt like wet noodles...relaxed and refreshed. I so needed that and so did she.

Friday night I met up for dinner with my brother, his friend and a dear friend from high school. All three kept me in stitches. We laughed so hard my cheeks were sore. Again, I felt refreshed just living in the moment and just enjoying everyone around me.

Yesterday was a great end to a wonderful week. Claudette's twins were baptized. I sat back and just watched how precious they were and how great it was to have all of their friends and family gathered around to celebrate this sweet moment.  They are little miracle babies.  Two doctors told them to abort, but God worked in her and gave life to these little girls. Something Claudette was told she could never have. God spoke to her and told her that she was going to have these babies.  Times like these are little reminders how good He is!

By the way, I spoke about Rylan's surgery in the last entry and he is doing great! It took him a good ten or eleven days to be back to normal, a few hiccups, but he is doing well. I catch him snapping his fingers next to his ears.  He can hear so much better.  So glad that is behind us!

I am a little anxious for the next week or two. My dad has comletely gutted my bedroom in order to make it fresh and new for me.  He is 3/4 of the way through with the flooring.  These are the last touches before I am ready to move back home and try to get back in the swing of things. I am ready to be independent, but on the other hand, I'm a little afraid to be alone. I have never lived alone without a roomate or my husband. I guess I have Rylan and my dog Titan, but that isn't the same. Hoping I will be strong enough for this next hurdle.

~So glad I finally figured out how to add pictures :)

Romans 12:12 Rejoice and exult in hope; be steadfast and patient in suffering and tribulation; be constant in prayer.

Another year older....

Today I am writing because I'm filled with all kinds of emotions. My head is all over the place. Today is my 34th birthday and I am sad that I am not sharing my day with my other half.  Although I share this emotion with him in spirit, his physical body is not here. He is not here to decorate the kitchen for me when I wake up, scrambling around early in the morning while I lay in bed pretending to sleep.  He was so cute and thoughtful on my birthday. He would get a birthday card from him, from the dog and one from Rylan. He never bought me outrageously expensive gifts, but little things he knew I would use or sometimes a favorite candy.  He would call my mom last minute for gift ideas and sneak off to the store with her advice and return with something perfect. It was always the thought that mattered to me. He could show up with anything and I would be happy that he tried.

My friends surprised me with an early birthday dinner out Saturday night. I thought about Jason several times as I sat back and watched all of his friends pitch in and almost take on that male/father role with Rylan in disciplining him, taking him to the bathroom when needed and just goofing off and flipping him over. I smile and have a good time, but on the inside I am still hurting and missing that part of having that man in my life to love his son and do these things. How am I going to be enough?? A mother and a father all at once?? I know women do this all the time...single, divorced or widowed....but this was such a sudden transition and I can't even imagine. Not that I am even ready to remotely move on to another relationship, I can't help but think of what my future may hold.  Will there be someone as good as Jason was to me? Who will want to date someone with a child? Will they be a good loving role model for my son?? Will this person be someone I know or stranger? And how will I bring up the reason why I am no longer married? All of these negative thoughts overwhelm me for only a few minutes at a time and then I snap out of it. I try to switch my thoughts to things that are more positive.  I start thinking about the things I do have, and stop thinking about the man that has vanished from this earth.  I picture him happy, in a relaxed state without hurt or pain and try to imagine how lucky he is to be working for our awesome God.  I recently read "Heaven is for Real," a child's description of his short time in heaven while undergoing surgery.  He lived to tell his story and even though he was a small child when this happened, his story gave me hope. 

I am constantly reading these days. That is all I do. I never had time for it before, but I am enjoying it so much.  People have given me books right and left and I'm slowly chipping away at the stack.  I am reading "To Heaven and Back" now.  I am so intrigued by these people and the similarities in their stories.  I don't know if I'm naive or childlike for thinking this, but I just try to imagine Jason in a place like they are describing. It's just painting me a little picture of the beauty he is experiencing.  I look forward to the day that we are all reunited in heaven.  Before all of this happened I would say I feared death in a way, but knowing how much little time we spend on this earth, I know it's only around the corner and could happen any day.  I would never want to leave my loved ones, but I know I wouldn't want to come back here.  Our pastor spoke of this at Jason's memorial service.  He said if Jason had 5 minutes to spend here and tell everyone where he had been, he would say hello to everyone and say he was sorry, that he misses everyone but he wants to go back. I am so glad Jason made the choice to turn around and know Jesus.  It took him a while to learn how he works in our life and why we have a purpose on this earth.  He was just growing so much in his faith before he passed.  I'm sad I couldn't see him grow more, but I know now where he is...and that gives me peace and puts a smile on my face.

Tomorrow brings a new challenge. Rylan is scheduled for surgery.  He is having tubes put in his ears and having his tonsils and adenoids removed.  His hearing is impaired due to the fluid in his ears.  So, I'm praying that everything goes smoothly and the physicians have wisdom to get him in and out quickly.  I'm afraid to be alone without Jason by my side. My mom and mother in law will be there, but it won't be the same.  Praying for me to have strength.  Strength for me and strength for me to provide for Rylan. I will update his progress soon. I will have a lot of time on my hands at home as he recovers the next week.

~ It's been a week or so since my last entry and that felt good to get it off my chest.  Being alone in this stinks, but I do have amazing support. Day by day....week by week I go.

Isaiah 40:31  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.