This last year has been a journey. A journey of firsts, a journey through the "new normal" I call life, tests of faith, tests of friendships....and so on. It has been a whirlwind to say the least. It has been an emotional rollercoaster. Overall, I would have to say that I feel like I am in a good place now. Don't get me wrong, I am still grieving, I have accepted the fact that Jason will never be back. I had these strange thoughts along the way of someone calling me from another state saying, "Big mistake ma'am, we have your husband" and all this was a big misunderstanding. The denial part has passed. There are 5 stages of grief - Denial, Anger, Guilt, Depression and Acceptance. They do not come in any particular order. I believe I have gone through all stages except depression. I had some concerns about the possibility of being depressed. I felt unmotivated at times, tired and sad, beaten down, heavy hearted, etc. I shared this with my therapist and she asked me some questions. She said "There is a difference between depression and bereavement, you are not depressed". That made me feel so much better to hear that. I made the decision a year ago that I will NOT hide under a blanket and hide from reality. I will face this head on in a healthy, productive way. I have remained with that same attitude throughout. I see a therapist monthly, attend grief meetings weekly and I have read so many books on grief and being a new widow I may be an expert myself ;-) I just want to drink up the knowledge and have people to feed me advice.
You don't realize how much time flies until something like this happens. 2013 was a challenge as I faced the "firsts" without Jason for the first time in 12 years. His birthday and my birthday were first...and I survived. I have my group of "babysitters" aka friends that are on top of me on holidays and events making sure I am ok. These people are AMAZING! I cannot say this enough! My family's annual vacation to Hammock Beach was pretty difficult because Jason loved that place. As weird as it seemed, I felt alone with my family. My brother and his wife were a "couple" and my mom and dad were a "couple". Both couples had oceanfront rooms with garden tubs and a full bath in their rooms, while Rylan and I were placed in the 3rd room, with two twin beds and no bathroom facing an outside hallway. Right then I realized how different my life is going to be. I am single...wait, I am single? A single mom at that. I began to gravitate towards single friends and reconnect with people I haven't seen in a long time and even make new friends. I am a creature of habit and have always been just fine with my tight knit group of friends. It's not like me to branch out. I also did things alone that I had never done before. I felt empowered a little. I began to detail my own car (woo-hoo)!
Life was totally different come summertime. I moved back to my house and I felt brave. I had never lived alone before without some form of roommate. These things made me stronger. I dreaded Thanksgiving and Christmas. I decided to do something different. I hosted Thanksgiving at my house for my immediate family because it was a "safe" place. If I needed to cry or have time for myself I could run away to my room. I watched a few YouTube videos and learned how to smoke a turkey!! I have never operated a grill, but I did it. It was delish!! I made it through the day with no tears. It was perfect. Christmas was great, too. I had anxiety leading up to all of these things and everything was surprisingly ok.
I always knew I could handle myself and deal with this life change, but the thing that tears me apart is my little Rylan. He has done so well and continues to do so. I just worry about his life without his father. He was such a daddy's boy. I am very fortunate to have my brother and father as role models. He sees them on a daily basis and if he doesn't see them, he is calling them or facetiming them. He craves that "boy time". I guess mom gets old after a while lol. He talks about his daddy daily. I hope he carries on some of the memories and doesn't forget. This has to be the hardest thing I struggle with. Jason could not wait to get him in the ocean and teach him to surf. He was also waiting for that day to get him into soccer, the game he loved so much. I gave Rylan the choice this year, T-Ball or Soccer...he chose soccer because that is what his daddy liked. He starts next week and I am sure there will be a few tears shed from my family and his. 
I have to say I could not have survived this year without God, my friends, my family, my "work family", my neighbors and complete strangers that reached out to me. As Pastor Russ would say, "Jesus shows up with skin on"....and He showed up over and over showing me the way. He has been here this year carrying me through, filling that void and cheering me on. I am saddened by the loss, but so blessed to have had 12 wonderful years with Jason. I am so very blessed.
~ Anytime I feel down or tried I play this song and crank it up. Something about it lifts me up and brings me peace ..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m_sWJQm2fs
No comments:
Post a Comment